(1): "Pretty Boy?" Bass?

(2): Castor and Pollux are the actual names of the Twins in the Zodiac. Their father was Zeus and their mother was some human, so one inherited immortality, and the other schmoe wasn't so lucky. And that's as far as my knowledge on the myth goes. Who cares, I'm a Cancer.

(3): Heh heh.

(4): Heh heh, again.

(5): I love that word. "Finito." Bass is totally OCC for this chapter.

(6): Still one of my favourite lines.

(7): He's right. Get yourself a couple of rats instead. Their lack of odour and stupid make them much more satisfying pets.

Chapter Three: A Secret Fear of Furry Mammals ...

As Skull Castle grew larger and larger on the horizon, Bass stopped his brisk pace to take a moment to congratulate himself. Everything had gone peachy. Now all that remained was to take those curious plans he had obtained to Wily. Bass glanced at the papers he held. He was sadly confused about exactly what they were, but they seemed important. However, when he had tried to read them, they were nothing more than jargon to him. It was probably only stuff that Wily could really understand. Bass shrugged and approached the forbidding maw of his master's castle.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, PRETTY BOY," (1) two identical voices boomed in unison. Two small look alike figures suddenly jumped in Bass' path. One raised its arm cannon at the sleek bot and fired a shiny, aqua blue beam. Bass yelped and threw himself upon the ground. The beam whizzed over his head and smacked into a rock with an exploding sound, where it ricocheted at a 45 degree angle and smashed one of the upper level windows of Skull Castle. Another shot promptly followed the first one. This one bounced off of a tree and fried a squirrel. Still, Bass cowered in the dust while opening one eye to try to get an idea of who these new threats were. Bass caught a glimpse of the midday sun flashing off of the rough, crystal surface of his attackers' blade - edged armour. The rain of laserfire still flew thick, but none of it touched Bass. Then Bass understood just who he was up against. He hauled himself to his feet.


Sure enough, the Gemini Men withheld their fire and trembled in fear as Bass towered over them. Bass' face was one gigantic frown. He didn't appreciate it when people attempted to murder him.

"B...B....Bass...sss....ss...I...didn't know it was....you..." One of the Gemini Men stammered. The other one looked like he wished he could sink into the ground.

The Gemini Men were robotic twins, and, as a result, you couldn't tell one apart from the other if your life depended on it. To try to lessen the massive cases of mistaken identity that came with the twins, they were actually named after the famous twins in the constellation of Gemini. One robot was Castor. His brother was Pollux. To attempt to lessen confusion even further, Wily imposed a strict rule on the twins: They each must wear a name tag at all times. Thus, since then, Castor has sported a large red sticker that read "HELLO, MY NAME IS CASTOR!" on the left side of his breastplate, while Pollux bore a sticker in the same area that screamed, "GOOD DAY, MY NAME IS POLLUX!". Neither of the bots wore their name tags with a great deal of pride. Still, the twins would never disobey Wily, even if the evil scientist ordered them to stick a screwdriver in their eyes. "Bass, I didn't know it was you!" Castor repeated pathetically. "That's why Pollux and I took a shot at you. You can't be too careful when Mega Man is wandering the streets, you know..." (2)

"Who did you think I was? The Easter Bunny?" Bass rumbled. "I take it that you did. In that case, I forgot to bring you some cheap chocolate eggs, but I brought you something MUCH better, Castor..."

With that, Bass drew back his fist and gave Castor the finest uppercut you ever saw. The poor Gemini Man literally flew a good metre before splattering on the grass, where he lay splayed out like roadkill. Pollux quickly dropped to his twin brother's side and desperately tried to get him breathing again. Bass simply stepped over the mess he had created, and walked over to the small intercom system that was positioned outside of the massive main doors of the fortress. Bass skilfully punched in the code on the number panel that would allow him to talk directly to Wily himself.

As Bass had expected, a heavy German voice floated through the intercom's speaker. "Vhat? Who is zere? Go avay. It'z nap time." Bass gave a wry grin. "It's only me, Doc. Bass. So you can knock off that kooky German accent."

There was a small pause from the other end.

"Really?" Bass nodded, although he knew full well that Wily couldn't see his actions from the other end of the 'com. "Yep."

"Oh, that's a relief." Wily sighed. His voice had smoothed out to a typical Joe - Schmoe accent. "It's really a pain when I have to use that German voice. But it seems to be effective when I'm trying to strike fear into the hearts of..." (3)

"Doc, can you let me in already?" Bass interrupted rudely. "I've returned from ransacking Light's lab, and I have a few things that you might wanna see."

"Oh certainly. Just a sec."

"By the way, Doc," Bass remarked suddenly. "I'm afraid I just whupped Castor's pathetic behind again. I think he might need some major repairs."

"Again? This is the third time this month! Bass, you have to learn to tolerate idiots more."

"I try, Doc. Really, I do. "

"Well, at any rate come in." Wily grumbled. The gates to the entrance of the fortress slowly swung open. Before entering , Bass glanced behind him and saw Pollux gawking vacantly at him in fear and awe. Bass decided to have a little more fun. He pointed at the Gemini twin and barked in a commanding voice:

"Gospel! Go kill!"

Gospel liked nothing better than this command. He charged at Pollux with his great mouth wide open in a frightful roar. Pollux turned around and fled, screaming for his mother (obviously forgetting in his frenzy that he didn't HAVE one). He wasn't paying attention to where he was going, and as a result, tripped over the motionless body of his brother. Pollux tumbled clumsily to the grass just as Gospel pounced. Since Bass didn't care much for the sight of robotic blood, he turned around and entered the castle. Gospel could let himself in through the doggy - door when he was finished with his sport.

Bass' good cheer began to diminish as he toiled up the winding stone staircase that snaked around the inside of Wily's tower. The tremendous set of stairs led towards the top of the fortress and Wily's chambers. Climbing them was always an adventure, not to mention a pain in the neck.

"Why can't Wily just put in an elevator?" Bass grumbled to no one in particular. "And for that matter, why are his chambers at the top of the bloody castle? Couldn't he put his rooms on the main floor? No, wait...that would make too much sense for a human."

The last stair was ascended, and Bass found himself in the mouth of a long hallway. It was only a bit further now. He started down the passageway, and almost immediately he met Snake Man, who was coming down the hall from the opposite direction. Bass smiled when he saw the reptilian robot. Snake Man was one of Wily's smarter robots, and, as a result, he had Bass' respect and friendship.

"Ah, hello Bass!" Snake hissed. He approached Bass with a graceful sort of slither in his step. "What's up?"

Bass grinned. "The sky."

Snake rolled his slit - like eyes at the black bot. "That's very funny, Bass. I'm dying of laughter. You should write that up and send it to Seinfeld."

"Hey!" Bass cried out suddenly.

Snake looked at Bass in amusement. "Is something the matter?"

Bass' eye fell on Snake Man's neck. There, draped in massive scaly coils, rested a python. It lifted its head and studied Bass with cold, beadlike eyes.

"Cool! A real python!" Bass remarked.

Snake nodded and grinned with pride. "Yes. He's my new pet."

"What's his name?" Bass inquired as he (carefully) pet the triangular head of the python.

"Monty." (4)

Bass chewed over this. "Monty...Python. Sort of has a nice ring to it. Well, I'm off to see the Doc. See you later!" Bass sprinted down the hall.

Dr. Wily, an evil scientist we all know and love was in his main surveillance chamber with his feet up, dully watching a small TV. Behind him stood Smoky the Bear's worst nightmare... Fire Man. Wily usually spent all day in the surveillance chamber, watching the ongoings around the city. But today, he just wasn't in the mood. He stared silently at the television, bathed in its faint glow. Fire Man faithfully waited for any orders that his creator might give him, while wondering what kind of entertainment humans get from staring at images on a small black box.

A jarring crash of the room's main doors being flung open announced Bass' arrival. Fire Man whipped around in alarm at the discord, but Wily didn't even twitch.

"Have no fear, Bass is here!" Sang the ebony bot.

Wily didn't even turn around. "Bass, how many times have I asked you not to slam doors around?" He droned.

Bass frowned. "Wily, what IS it with you!? Do you want me to bring you some orange juice and prozac? Lighten up!"

Fire Man approached his superior and lowered his voice, which sounded like a cross between a 20 year old furnace and the infamous cartoon pyro, Butthead.

"Uh, Bass...The Doc's like...really...uh, bummed out or something. I wish there was something that could, uh, like, cheer him up. huh huh..." Bass shoved Fire Man to one side. "I have just the thing!" Bass rattled the plans in his hand. "Look, Wily! Lookit what I found! I think you might like this...!"

Wily still stared at the TV like a zombie. "Will I, Bass? That's nice."

Bass' rage began to mount. He felt the urge to throw a hyper spaz. "You didn't even LOOK! You don't even CARE!"

"Wow, you know what Bass? You're right! Now leave me alone. Go water the plants."

"TURN AROUND, DAMN YOUR SOUL!" Bass snarled as he stomped over to the television that had captivated Wily. The sleek bot easily grasped the TV and, with one mighty jerk, tore its plug right out of the socket. Bass then drop - kicked the box out the open door of the chamber. Bass could hear a muffled curse as the contraption hit someone outside of the room. Dr. Wily frowned. "Well now, Bass. That wasn't very nice."

"I have nothing to do with nice!" The bot snapped. "You know that, Doc!" Wily smiled weakly as he sunk back into the wings of his overstuffed chair.

"Ah, Bass. My last and greatest creation. I really outdid myself with you. You're so humanlike.."

"Hold IT!" Bass said sharply. "What do you mean 'last' creation...?"

Wily stirred uncomfortably. "I've made a decision, Bass. I'm old, and I'm tired of trying to take over the world when I really haven't gotten anywhere close to doing so for the past six attempts! I'm not creating anymore robots. I just want to live the rest of my years in a little bit of peace."

"No! No no no a thousand times NO!" Bass cried in horror while jumping in one spot.

Wily spoke loudly in an effort to be heard over the din that his assistant was creating. "It's finished, Bass! Done! Over! Finito! (5) Now, here's a little secret; Although you don't know it, there is a tiny chip inside of you and all your brothers that will automatically shut you all down almost as soon as I've bought the farm. You'll never reactivate. None of you. Isn't that a comforting thought?"

Bass stood stock still. "But why?" He finally squeaked. " Why do you want to do away with us? Don't you want us to live on and destroy mankind? Huh? Don't you?"

Wily shook his bald head. "No. I've thought it over. Any way you look at it, I've been a bad boy almost all my life. Right from the time I reprogrammed Light's bots when we were partners!" Wily chuckled at the evil memory.

"Yeah. Those were like, uh, the golden times Doc." Fire Man grunted from behind.

"Yes." Wily sighed. "I need some rest from evil. Sort of a change, if you will. Something GOOD to look at when they check out the records of my life at the big computer in the sky. No need to check them, really. We all know where I'M going once I've left this mortal coil."

"Peace?" Bass gasped. "Doc, watch your mouth! Please, look at what I've ripped off for you! It has to do with...fun!"

"Gee, what could be more fun than eternal damnation?" (6)

"Well, not much." Bass admitted. "But put it this way. If you don't turn around right now and look at what I worked hard to obtain for you, I'll just stand right here and pester you until you do."

"Do your worst." Wily challenged his creation in a growl.

Bass pounced on that gladly. "Very well then. Doc, will you look at these sheets?"


"Doc, will you look at these sheets?"


"Doc, will you look at these sheets?"


"Doc, will you look at these sheets?"


"Doc, will you look at these sheets?"


"Doc, will you..."

"STOP! STOP IT! A human can only take so much, you know!" Bass beamed with triumph. "So, you'll look at what I brought you?" Wily grunted a response as he snatched the papers out of Bass' outstretched hand. "What are these?"

Bass shrugged. "I know that the notebook you're holding has something to do with upgrades to Rush and Mega...but those stray papers...well, I have no idea what they are, but they seem to be very important. Ol' doc Light nearly had a heart attack when I started to handle them..."

Wily's head jerked up. "You took these away in front of Light?"

Bass nodded with a touch of pride. "Yep. He was pinned under a table that I - ahem! - threw at him. I daresay he was pretty helpless."

A tiny hint of a smile crept up to the corners of Wily's mouth. "Well, isn't that nice?" Wily proceeded to study the papers Bass had nicked for him. Bass watched with a great deal of interest as Wily's eyes got larger and larger as he viewed what was before them. The black bot got quite a start when Wily suddenly jumped out of his overstuffed chair and began to run in small circles around the room with more energy then Bass could ever remember seeing in the scientist in a long, long time. Fire Man became spooked and hid under a table.



"Do you have ANY idea what these plans are?"

"Ah...no. I honestly have no idea what they are."

"These are Light's best kept secrets!" Wily was now panting with exhaustion. He was forced to stop his mad whirlabout and breathe. "Plans for a robot...with emotions and free will!"

"Is that good?"

Wily regarded Bass with a vexed look on his anchient face. "Is that GOOD?" He echoed in disbelief. "Bass, it's amazing! Think of all the possibilities, the power..."

Bass smiled wryly. Wily seemed to be getting back to his old, scheming self again.

Wily's huge grin twisted to a frown as he looked at the crinkled plans again.

"That idiot, Light, has already come up with a name for this 'creation' of his. Listen to this name, Bass! 'X'. What kind of name is that? I had a hamster named 'X' when I was a boy!"

Bass pretended to be interested in the old human's ramblings. "What happened to him, Doc?"

"Oh, I got bored with X, so I fed him to my pet alligator." Wily said absently.

Bass grinned. "You're a good man, Doc. You have quite a heart."

"Yes. Well, take my advice, Bass. Never get a hamster for a pet. They do nothing but chew paper at every waking moment, then they run on those little exercise wheels all night. The squeaking can drive you mad. I think that's how I got the way I am today." (7)

"Doc, you mean that you blame your unstable mind and violent nature on a harmless little hamster?" Bass inquired.

"Yes." Wily said solemnly. "And it wasn't an 'innocent little hamster'! It was a MEAN hamster! It wanted to kill me! Every night it would plot my death and scurry out of its cage, wielding a butcher knife...it would climb up my bedsheets while I was asleep, and..and..." Wily's voice trailed off and he began to tremble at the disturbing memory.

Bass was used to this sort of thing from Wily. "There now, Doc. The hamster won't bother you anymore."

Wily's voice began to rise in volume as he continued to rave. "The hamster was AGAINST ME! I bet HE was the one who also turned my GOLDFISH against me!

The goldfish tried to DROWN me! DROWN ME, I TELL YA! But I got the best of little furry X, Bass! I fed him to my alligator! SNAP!" - Here Wily mimicked an alligator's snapping jaws using him arms - "No more X! I could sleep at night again...until my German Shepherd found out where my parents kept the revolver..."

Bass rubbed his eyes in frustration. The doc got more and more unstable as the days went on. Would he really be able to build one of these mysterious 'reploids'?


Wily paused in his raving. "Yes Bass?"

"Are you gonna use those plans or what? Are you gonna create a 'reploid'?" Wily cast his eyes down to the mysterious sheets. "I don't...know if I could, Bass. Remember, I said that I just wanted peace for the next little while. Besides, It would be too difficult for me to do on my own."

"But Doc," Bass pleaded. "I'm sure that Light's gonna build this 'X' character if he hasn't started already. Look deep in your black soul. You don't want 'peace', certainly not in the future. You want death and destruction. Peace is for wusses. You know it and I know it. If you used these plans to your advantage, you could build your own little reploid to wreak havoc and destruction while you're gone. I mean, I'll admit it. Myself and my brothers wouldn't be much match for a robot like this strange 'X' fellow. I could tell by your reactions to those plans. But if you used these plans to build a 'reploid' of your own to rival this 'X' and to carry on your dirty work...well then...life would be good for future generations!" Bass elbowed Wily in his fragile ribs. "Am I right? Huh? Am I?"

Wily had his chin resting in one hand, a sure sign that the old scientist was thinking. Bass had a chance to topple the balance towards his favour. "Of course, if you don't WANT to build this advanced robot...I'm sure that Light will be known forever as the scientist who built the most amazing machine in existence, and you'll just be known as Dr. Wily, the wuss scientist who couldn't compare to Light even though he had a chance to do so. Or, maybe you'll just be known as Dr. Wily, the scientist who couldn't win a bloody war to save his life, so he deactivated his miserable robots and just crawled quietly under the table, like the defeated dog he was..."

"That's ENOUGH, Bass!" Wily roared. "I'm ten times the scientist Light is or will be! I'll build your miserable reploid! But you'll have to help me!!"

Bass smirked and removed his helmet with a sweeping mock bow. "Anything you say, mein Wily!"

Chapter Notes: Nothing inspirational to note, really. A couple of funny lines, but at the expensve of the characters. It occours to me, as I look back on this, that I never intended for the story to be serious, certainly not at first. Things change later in the story, but BNF's always kind of playful and stupid at its heart. What was up with making Fireman out like Butthead, anyway? Though admittedly, years later, I still think Beavis and Butthead are funny.

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